Tuesday, October 06, 2009

An issue of trust

"To believe is simply to trust, to depend, to rely upon Christ Jesus." Morning and Evening, Evening of October 5th, by Charles Spurgeon.

I read that this morning, and while the section was about repentance and baptism and such and how that is not what saves a person, the line above stuck out for me.

"To believe is simply to trust, to depend, to rely upon Christ Jesus."

Trust. And trust is something I have a problem with, trust in that sense anyway. I know I'm not saved by anything I do, I know that it's nonsense to think that anything I do, whether praying, or whatever you could categorize as "good works" is truly any good at at all. That doesn't mean they're pointless, just that that does not save a person. I have no problem with admitting I am in fact helpless in that area, and I'm forever thankful for God's grace in saving me.

But when it comes to relying on Christ, completely, fully, depending and relying on Him...that I struggle with. I think most people who know me well probably know I have a slight obsession with planning. I don't like for the majority of things to be unplanned, unorganized. In some cases I'm alright with it, somehow, whether that's from just not caring, or realizing somehow that there's not going to be anything I can do about it.

Take the current politics for instance...sure, I don't agree with all that's going on, but "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will. ~Proverbs 21:1" I'm willing to accept that there's nothing I personally can do by fretting about it, and complaining as a lot of people I've heard, about how the government's going to hell in a handbasket. (Note: I wish I knew the origin of that phrase...) I'm willing to accept that what God has planned for us as a nation will happen, whether, even, it's something we like or not.

But when it comes to my life and what I think I'm in control of, I want to plan, and I fret. You fret? you might be saying...or maybe you're not surprised at all. I'm a control freak. And even when it comes to letting my life rest in the hands of God, the safest place it could possibly be, still I panic. I waver between trying to figure out everything for myself, and admitting that it's not really in my control, and yet....if I just did this, maybe it would work better, and if I hadn't said or done that things wouldn't go wrong.

I worry that I've made and will make wrong decisions about things, I worry that things just aren't going to work out...and maybe they aren't; that's almost as hard. Maybe things won't happen the way I want them to. I always find myself thinking "The Lord is in control and what He has planned for my life will happen and will be what's best for me...but..." I make a decision, and then I panic and wonder if that was really the right thing, with a feeling that I may have totally ruined my future by whatever decision I made. Or I feel that whatever event just happened ruined the chances of things working; for instance our church is very, very small...and within my human comprehension I don't see how it would ever get bigger. There are no jobs to move to North Carolina for, as far as I know, and in fact people in our church are losing their jobs, and while they may not want to move, it may not work out that they have any option. And I don't want families to have to leave our church, I would miss them.

I suppose to a certain extent I have a selfish inability to let things go...anything that affects my life I feel I should have some control over and yet there's often nothing I can actually do. So I struggle with trust in all areas of my life. Not trust in people, as far as that goes I know where I stand, but trust that my life is in fact already planned even though I can't see it. And it's that blindness that stresses me.

While thinking about this this morning, I read my cousin's blog post, in which she mentions plans and trust as well. It always sounds mean to say that I'm happy to hear another person is going through what I am, but what I mean is that I'm grateful to know I'm not the only one. So I was encouraged, strangely, by that, and I hope maybe this will encourage her as well.

She did make me laugh as well, with one sentence that made me burst out laughing and probably spit on my computer screen in the process...all in a good way. It was funny, but I liked/agreed with it. :)

Regarding her plans: "They start out so nicely--I will go to college for four years and be an excellent teacher for a little while, then I will get married and have four kids and adopt four kids and live in a cozy house and make cookies and pot roast and finally be a kindly wise old lady, the fun kind who is always telling high school girls how hot her husband is..." And that last part would be the point at which I burst out laughing. :) Awesome.

So I'd just like to also ask for prayer in this matter, if you happen to think of it. As G.K. Chesterton said: "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried."


rebecca said...

Glad you were encouraged by the post...I was actually going back and forth on whether or not to take out the old lady part, as it was bordering on "people don't really need to know I'm this weird" :P

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this, though. I'll be praying for you!

Abby♥ said...

hmm.. Good post. trust is something i struggle with to. i will pray for you~!

Natalie said...

Well, maybe I'm just that weird too. :D

Thanks, both of you. :)